Episode Transcript
[00:00:04] Speaker A: Welcome to Transform and Lead. I'm Bron Stephens, ex CEO turned executive coach who is all about women, uplifting women. I know what it's like to question whether your way of leading is enough. You've worked hard, you're ambitious, and you want to do big things without having to fit into someone else's mold. This podcast is here to give you practical, powerful ways to own your ambition.
[00:00:24] Speaker B: Femininity and power so that you can.
[00:00:26] Speaker A: Lead with confidence your way.
[00:00:32] Speaker B: I'm lonely. Or at least I get lonely. And I'm not saying that because I want you all to reach out and tell me it's okay and you hear for me, it's not that kind of loneliness.
It's a leadership truth, though, that the majority of leaders experience loneliness and we don't talk about it. And I'm not meaning the dramatic kind of loneliness where you curl up in a little ball and you feel sorry for yourself and stare off into the distance on a park bench.
But it can look like that too. Obviously I'm talking about the kind that sits with you quietly, the kind that builds when you're the one everyone turns to, but no one checks in on. And at senior and executive levels and founder levels, it's everywhere. We're just not talking about it. And more than half of Australians surveyed by Medibank in 2024 report feeling lonely on one or more days during a typical week. One in three Australians is classified as having a high level of loneliness, and the Australian Psychological Soc confirms it's even more common in high functioning professionals. So Globally, loneliness and CEOs is rising sharply. And a 2024 survey by the Science of Coaching found 55% of global CEOs, both men and women, reported serious mental health issues, including isolation.
And the alarming thing about that was the number had jumped 24% from the previous year.
And first time CEOs are especially vulnerable, with 70% saying loneliness negatively impacted their performance. And I can absolutely relate to that, having felt that very same feeling. And then for women, it goes deeper again. 60% of female executives report increased loneliness as they rise. And it's worse still for women of colour, for whom only 19% say they feel supported or respected at work.
And then in founder roles, the stats are grimmer. 2/3 of female founders report high or extreme levels of isolation and many operate without same gender investors, peers or mentors.
And so why have I just rattled off this list of stats to you?
Because I want to normalize this if you're experiencing loneliness, because we don't often normalize these things. We just go, oh, it just is. It's just me.
And we don't talk about it. We don't share it. And we do think that it is a solo venture that we're in when actually there's a lot of us in the same boat.
Early in our careers, we often, or at least should have scaffolding. We have mentors, formal and informal. We get feedback loops. We have leaders whose job it is to develop us. You know, we've got a strong group of peers that we hang out with both in and out of work. But as time goes by and as we climb up those ranks and we hit senior and executive levels, that scaffolding all falls away. Our peers often have conflicting interests with ours. Our boss is more focused on strategy than our development. And what replaces all of this scaffolding we had earlier in our career is pressure and performance and isolation disguised as independence. And the problem is traditional leadership still rewards the stoic, hyper independent, resilient at all costs, having it all together and never showing vulnerability. Leadership models weren't built for women. We're expected to coach others but not be coached, to mentor but not admit that we're still growing and to hold space but never need it held for us. And you might recognize a sandwich metaphor here.
We're using the sandwich generation for the women currently managing children and aging parents. And that is pretty much spot on. But it also applies to senior and executive leadership, too. And so if you're already experiencing the sandwich generation pressures, and then you have the same pressures when you've got a senior executive role, you're sitting between your board and your team, between delivery and vision, between high expectations and no real support. And exactly the same way, no one's checking in to ask, what do you need? Are you okay? What's happening in your day?
You know, just those little moments of connection, they go missing when we're sitting in those sandwich rolls. And again, this conversation is just to normalize this. And so for me, let me talk about how it's shown up for me in my career.
It showed up for me big time. In India, I was the only woman on the leadership team. I was navigating culture, gender, and performance expectations entirely alone. My conversations with my boss were robust is the kindest word I could put on those. There was no support.
There was no one actually saying, are you okay over there in India on your own? And some pretty horrible things went down while I was there, but there was no support structure for me. And I think that that's not an uncommon thing, whether you're an expat or just simply a leader in a team where you are the only, whether that's the only man or the only woman or the only person of color, you have a very different perspective to others in terms of that isolation. It came up for me again as a CEO when I was delivering strategy and results while dealing with some interesting board behaviors and a really under skilled team who I hadn't experienced that before, but was put in this position where I was now the boss. And I was trying to navigate that alone and sandwiched between those two groups, figuring it out and then now as a founder, realizing too late, after a year of being head down bums up that I'd been building with blinkers on, I was super productive, but I was completely disconnected. And it's easy for that to happen. You know, we reward productivity, we reward efficiency, and we reward this just get on with it attitude. These are the signs and the dangers of outdated leadership models. And so how do you know that you're experiencing loneliness? And I think this is a really important one because being able to name it is part of being able to change it. And so I'll share what I've experienced in this space. And it's pretty common.
The first sign is you don't actually remember the last time you connected in a real way. So it might be that you can't remember the last time someone asked how you are and you answered honestly and vulnerably rather than a default, I'm great, I'm fine, I'm busy, but good. And you perform with this strength like it's armor. You know, you feel this hollowness in your chest. It's not sadness, but you know that there's something missing.
And there's this dull ache in you that just craves laughter and eye contact and real conversation.
And sometimes it's not until you actually find that and experience it that you realize it was missing. But for me, the biggest one is you miss seeing the things that are too real to share publicly.
And it might be because there's a lot of confidentiality around it. You're bound by professionalism. You don't have a team that operates at a level that can support it, or you are just in those sandwich roles where no one either above you or below you is actually appropriate to talk to and share these things with. And so tackling loneliness isn't about being needy, it's about being real. And the cost of not naming it is we lose our clarity and our confidence suffers, our decision making becomes muddied and we start second guessing. And that isolates us even further.
But there are things that we can do, and they're mostly small moves that create real connection and combat loneliness at an absolutely grassroots level.
So let's talk about a set of tools that can help you both conquer loneliness and uplift your leadership and improve the loneliness of those around you. Because the reality is, being a leader requires us to bring others with us. So, firstly, build your personal board. And I talk about this a lot. It's not a corporate advisory panel in the way we traditionally think about it, but it is a practical, powerful tool for growth. And by thinking of it in terms of having a personal board, we reframe it in our minds to something that is professionally required. And you think of this as your own inner circle. So three to five people who can support, stretch and steady you as you lead. And they're not just anyone, they're the right mix of voices. So you want to start with some clarity here about what you're working towards right now and think about, do you need sharper strategic thinking? Do you need to get in on your vision or your storytelling? Do you need to improve your relating? What are you working towards right now and who are the people that can help you with that? And once you've defined what you need and the kind of support you need, then build diversity in this group of four to five people. Bring in someone who knows you and your industry and can help you build your network.
Bring in someone who sees you outside of your day job and so they understand what's happening not just for you at work, but also in your whole life. Find someone who's a few steps ahead of you, either in the same industry or the same type of role, and get someone in there who you can trust to be direct, kind and wise. And I often think that to round out a good personal board, you want to be looking at having a coach, a mentor or an advisor as part of it who can support deeper development for you and clarify thinking and educate you as required. And the great news in this day and age is these people don't need to live near you. In fact, they might be someone that you've met virtually on LinkedIn or had a virtual coffee date. And they don't need to be women, they don't have to be men. They're just whoever is going to work for you in this space. They need to get you and they need to commit to being available to check in with you monthly, quarterly, or as you agree with them. And so when you reach out, just be clear and intentional about that. You know, I value your leadership and perspective. I'm building a personal board to support the next phase of my growth and I'd love it if you'd be open to connecting at X frequency to share insights and guidance. And by doing that and being really upfront about what you're looking for, you secure commitment and you avoid assumption in the relationship because this is more than a casual friendship, it's a conscious growth circle that you're creating and you need to know and trust that you're going to be able to hold space to deeply connect and feel supported in your career in these conversations. The second idea I've got for you today is to practice the art of the coffee date. And I learned this from Tori Archibald. Connecting with people over a coffee. Tori's methodology is three times a week. I cannot highly recommend three times a week enough, but if that feels like too much, start with one a week. You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel good for you.
And these coffee dates are a time for connection. So not networking in the traditional sense where we turn up and look for what we can give or get from the other person, more just about having a real conversation. And yes, professional opportunities will arise through these conversations because that's how women and leaders work. But you're not pitching and you're not looking for an outcome and you're not looking for something from the other person. I always ask is there anything that you need or anything I can do to support you? And that's my way of just being genuinely there for someone. But you don't have to even do that. Just half an hour of a great conversation is going to move the needle here. And so I double dog dare you to reach out to someone that you admire, someone you've lost touch with, someone new or someone you're curious about. And it can be a phone call, a walk, a zoom, it doesn't have to be a coffee. Whatever's going to work for you, however, make it a rhythm and make it a non negotiable in your wake. Human conversation is leadership hygiene. And so that means that you're doing these coffee dates in your work time.
And the reason that's important is because creating the mindset that connection is part of your work week is important and it role models the normalization of this connection to those around you. My third tool, and probably my favourite, although I do love all of these, is to create micro connection moments.
And this is things like starting meetings with what are you grateful for today? Or what's something you've learned this week? If you're working, working with your internal team, and it's easy to think that this is fluffy or nonsense, that you're just filling time, but it's not. It's actually connection, and it shifts the energy and opens the space. It says, we're human here. I will never forget doing this at the start of really a quite fraught stakeholder meeting. And I knew it was going to be a really tough and robust conversation that was coming up. I didn't know 80% of the participants in the meeting and 90% of them were men. I thought, I want to make sure we relate well, because I was feeling those hallmarks of loneliness in that room. And so as I threw down my welcome, I finished with. And to get us started today, I'm going to ask everyone in the room to share one thing they're grateful for today. I'll start.
And I watched the energy in that room transform.
It was like magic. You could feel the shift from adversarial to collegial and collaborative.
And even the guy who scoffed and rolled his eyes when I started the meeting with that he shared something that was so beautifully personal and genuine by the the time he got to him because he couldn't help but feel the connection in the room.
And it might seem like, I'm making this story up, or it's a trite story.
This really happened, and it really happens in a lot of the meetings that I run, because experience tells me that I'm not alone in my loneliness. And so when we create connection, everyone feels better in that space. And so when you do that, you know that if you've achieved nothing else in those meetings, you've created a moment for everyone to feel seen and a little less lonely themselves. And finally, my last tip for you is, say what you need out loud. Literally. Try. I've realized I'm craving more connection this month, or I'm feeling isolated and a bit lonely this week. Is anyone else feeling it, too?
When you model naming your needs, you create permission for others to do the same, and you get to feel much better yourself. You step into that vulnerability of normalizing loneliness, which is, as we've established, an extremely common emotion, and you remove the shame and the stigma, and you open the space for others to do the same.
I have told plenty of people I'm lonely as part of sharing my reality, and occasionally I get pity, and that's okay, because that means that's their experience. And it is wonderful that they have never experienced loneliness and so can't relate. But the vast majority of people, they get it. They've been there.
Research in this is clear. Loneliness shortens life expectancy. It impairs cognitive function. It increases burnout. It's not just uncomfortable, it's dangerous. And for women, the risk of dropping out, losing our spark, or burning out altogether is higher when we pretend we're fine. If we want to change leadership models, we start here by naming our truth and the truth by dismantling the systems that teach silence by building new ones based on power with not power over.
So here's your invitation schedule one Coffee with zero agenda Ask someone. Wanna be on each other's personal boards? Or start your next meeting with a gratitude check in because these aren't soft skills. These are power moves. Because real power, it's power with others, not over others. And cultural change starts with the brave. You are not alone and you never have to lead like you.
Thank you for spending this time with me on Transform and Lead. If this episode hit something real for you, please share it with another ambitious woman who needs to hear it. And don't just let this sit in your ears. Choose something for from today and act. Reach out, Connect. Name what you need and if you want to reach out to me, I would love that.
Otherwise, follow along on LinkedIn or Instagram @ Transform and Lead with Bron. And if you're ready to be intentional about how you lead, book a coffee date with me through the link in the show notes. Let's keep building power with each other, not over each other. Cheering you on always. Until next time.
