Episode Transcript
[00:00:04] Welcome to Transform and Lead. I'm Bron Stephens, ex CEO turned executive coach who is all about women, uplifting women. I know what it's like to question whether your way of leading is enough. You've worked hard, you're ambitious, and you want to do big things without having to fit into someone else's mold. This podcast is here to give you practical, powerful ways to own your ambition, femininity and power so that you can lead with confidence, your way.
[00:00:30] Let's talk about something I know for a fact. High performing women don't lack confidence. They lack clarity. And I know that's true, because when women work with me, they don't say I'm not good at my job. They say, I know I'm capable, but I feel like I have to prove myself constantly or I trust my instincts, but I second guess myself because I'm surrounded by people with more experience or even I don't understand why I can't get past this. And I've been there, too. Sitting in my office, crushing it on paper and feeling stuck in my own head. I knew I was achieving, and yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing something, like there was some invisible milestone that I hadn't reached. And certainly it felt like it was something that I had to have or was supposed to have. And that's the problem. We think confidence is about feeling a certain way when we get somewhere, but it's actually about knowing a certain way. Confidence is the byproduct of clarity. Clarity of who you are and what you want, what's holding you back and what you're going to do about it.
[00:01:34] So why do so many women feel stuck if you're sitting in your leadership role waiting for confidence to show up, I have bad news. It's not coming until you create it. Confidence doesn't just land in your lap because you hit a certain job title or salary bracket. And we think it will because that's the lie we've been sold. I'll feel confidence once I insert next achievement here and we hit that achievement. And still the confidence doesn't appear. In fact, for some of us, it can have the opposite effect. We hit the next success, and instead of feeling like we've made it, we feel like we have to hustle harder. True confidence, confidence that sticks and that radiates is built on something deeper. In fact, you need four things. Clarity of your values and purpose. Understanding what holds you back systemically and internally. Clarity of what you want from your career and your your life and the Missing piece, the space to reflect, plan and take intentional action. Let's break these down.
[00:02:32] Firstly, clarity of your values and purpose. There are so many ambitious women who get caught up in doing the work that they stop checking in with why they're doing it. So start with what actually matters to you. What kind of leader do you want to be? What do you stand for? And how do you show up as your higher self? And what impact do you want to have, not just in your work, but in your life?
[00:02:52] If you don't stop to ask these questions, you'll stay stuck in the cycle of doing without ever creating something that feels truly aligned. You should be able to roll your purpose and your values off your tongue and know exactly what they mean to you. For example, for me, my purpose is to inspire people to live bigger lives. And my values are freedom to adventure and excellence. For others, I'll save a deep dive of those. But if you walk up to me and ask me what my values are, I can tell you off the top of my head and I can tell you the exact behaviors that I'm demonstrating when I'm living at my higher self in those and when I'm not. And I use these to guide my decision making. They provide the guardrails for me. And when I'm feeling out of control, I anchor back to those. And having that sort of fundamental belief system means that I've always got knowledge of where I want to be and where I want to go next. The second one, understanding what holds you back systemically and internally. And there's the internal battle. This is the inner critic, the imposter feelings, the imperfectionism, perhaps. And these are all the things that are telling you that you're not enough unless you're flawless or unless this happens, or unless that happens. And then there's a systemic reality. So corporate environments that reward loud, visible confidence over thoughtful leadership, double standards and how women's authority is perceived, and the unspoken expectation to be likable and competent at all times. If you don't have clarity on which barriers are real and which ones you've internalised, you end up fighting yourself instead of strategizing effectively to overcome those sustained barriers. You want to have nailed the internal battle so that you're owning your inner critic effectively and owning your confidence. And then you know that that's what's holding you back. And then you know the difference. When you see something that's systemic come up so that you can step into your ambition, femininity and power in that space, relying on this Solid core. It's deep work and it does require both introspection and input from others to understand what's holding you back. And it does tie back to an episode I did a few weeks ago on owning your superpowers. So go and have a look at that if you haven't already. The next one I want to talk about is clarity of what you want from your career in life. And if I asked you right now, what do you want next? Would you have an answer? And not a by road answer. I just want to get to the next role or I want to go to C suite or I want to do whatever. I mean a meaningful, considered answer that you know will bring you joy along with an action plan that gets you there. And you should be able to see, hear, feel what it's going to be like when you get there. You want to be able to really viscerally experience this to help you both be motivated to get there and to have the confidence that it's what you want. And most women don't have that. Actually, most people don't have that. And it's not because they're indecisive. It's because they've spent so long achieving the next thing on the list that they haven't stopped to ask whether it was the right list in the first place. We've been conditioned to climb the ladder without asking if we even want to be on that particular ladder. And I want to see women stay there. But that means ensuring that they're on the right ladder in the first place, the one that fulfills them, that role models the future that they want for others. And that creates space for joy in your life, even when it's tough.
[00:05:58] And that leads to the final missing piece. Space to reflect, plan and take intentional action.
[00:06:05] Here's something I see all the time. The women who lead with clarity and power are the ones who take time out to think, reflect and plan. These are the women who have no desire to work with me because they have strong reflective practices. And they already work with coaches, mentors, trusted advisors and others in their network to develop that clarity. And more importantly, they treat it as an investment, not a luxury. And yet reflection and time to think is often framed as a luxury, as a weakness, rather than as the necessity that it is. Taking time to slow down, reassess and decide. Your next step shouldn't be treated like a gift or something that you get to do. If you get through your to do list, it should be the thing that's at the top of the list. To help get you to the end of it, businesses are regularly taking off site meetings and leadership teams often go away for days or even weeks at a time to strategize, to think, to make sure that they've got clarity and they step into the power of delivery. And yet leaders don't. The most powerful leaders don't reflect because they have time. They reflect because they know they can't afford not to.
[00:07:14] Let's talk about three ways to find clarity and unlock confidence. And so if you're feeling stuck in the spaghetti mess of your own thoughts right now, here's three ways to just quickly help you start untangling it. And you might want to do more than this, but this will at least get you going. Firstly, get an outside ear without advice. So most people love to give advice and what you actually need is someone to hold up a mirror for you, someone who's going to listen and reflect back what they're hearing without jumping into telling you what you should do next or what they think. And that's the role of a good coach. And sometimes it's simply not in the cards for you to get a coach. So here's how to set up a conversation with someone already in your network who you think might be able to help.
[00:07:55] So firstly, whoever it is, a friend or a mentor, make sure that they're someone that you trust and make sure they're someone who can hold their advice in check or at least partially hold it together.
[00:08:06] And then say to them, I don't need advice and I don't want advice. I just need to talk this out. Can you listen and reflect back what you hear and then speak out loud? What's in your head, just hearing yourself say it out loud. Start sorting through the noise and then start scribbling notes as you go so that you've got something to refer back to half the time. Clarity is going to come simply from hearing your own words out loud and really lean into it. It might feel vulnerable and it might feel uncomfortable, but saying these things out loud does two things. It helps you get clarity and it also releases some of the shame and overwhelm you might be experiencing. Yeah, I said shame. And it's not uncommon to feel shame as a high performing woman for not having the answers. We're told that we should have the answers and so quite often it can feel shameful when we don't. If that's what you're feeling, let me tell you now, it's entirely normal. And I see it in a lot of the women that I coach all right, the second idea to help you unravel the spaghetti is to use ChatGPT as a thought partner. I love it for this and you simply put a well crafted prompt in so I'll include it in the links below. But mine is always I'm a high performing woman in an executive role and I feel stuck. I know I'm capable but I second guess myself and I don't know exactly what I want for my future. Acting as an executive coach asked me powerful questions that will help me untangle my thoughts, clarify my goals and reconnect with my confidence.
[00:09:30] And if it asks you a whole heap of questions at once, just go back and say please ask me one question at a time to help me work through this and it will step you through question by question. And whilst it's not as good as having a real coach, it is actually quite affirming. So use it as a tool, not an answer, but it's going to ask you sequential questions based on a whole heap of learned language is already out there on the Internet. And the other thing that's lovely is it gives you nice reaffirming words back, which is better than nothing.
[00:10:01] And I personally use this all the time when I'm stuck on something or especially if I'm procrastinating about something I just don't want to do to help me figure out why I don't want to do it. And there's some real value in that, so don't be afraid of it. The only catch point obviously is do not put anything commercial in confidence or that you don't want out there on the Internet because it is obviously an open network.
[00:10:23] My final idea for you is to journal and I'll give you three prompts that you can use.
[00:10:28] Now journaling isn't just about venting, although it is really good for doing that too. It's about sorting through your own thinking and you want to grab a pen and paper, not typing, because journaling words is best when you allow your brain to slow down and handwriting forces you to slow down. And so these are the three questions. Firstly, if I was free to live and work and do anything, what do I actually want to do?
[00:10:51] Second, if I stopped trying to prove myself, how would I show up differently?
[00:10:57] And third, if my best friend had my career, what would I tell her she's capable of that aligns to what I actually want?
[00:11:05] These questions will just get you started and what I recommend is you just start writing and build from there. Let the answers be long and meandering get angry, let the emotions flow, but just keep your hand scribbling across the page. And when you hit the point that you know what you want or that you're starting to get clarity, you'll start to feel a sense of relief. Land and wherever contentment lands for you and your body, you'll feel that. So for me, I feel it hitting my solar plexus and it's a nice warm glow. My shoulders drop. Look for that response in yourself to know that you're starting to unravel what's happening in your head.
[00:11:44] My key takeaway for you today is this. Getting clarity is an investment, not a luxury. Women who lead with clarity and feel confident, confident don't do it because they're naturally confident. They do it because they've built the habit of slowing down, thinking strategically, and making decisions from a place of alignment. This is not a luxury and it's not a gift that you're giving to yourself. It is the single biggest investment you can make in your career and in your future self. So if you don't have clarity right now, it's okay. Just don't wait for it to happen. Make the space and do the work, because your future self is going to thank you. That's it for today's episode. If this resonated, share it with a woman who needs to hear it. And if you're ready, ready to stop second guessing and start leading with clarity. DM me and let's talk about what's next for you. See you next time.
