Episode Transcript
[00:00:04] Welcome to Transform and Lead. I'm Bron Stephens, ex CEO turned executive coach who is all about women, uplifting women. I know what it's like to question whether your way of leading is enough. You've worked hard, you're ambitious, and you want to do big things without having to fit into someone else's mold. This podcast is here to give you practical, powerful ways to own your ambition, femininity and power so that you can lead with confidence your way.
[00:00:30] Lets talk about that voice in your head, the one that tells you you're not good enough, that you're not ready or that you're not capable, or maybe that you're stupid or you're fat or you're ugly or you shouldn't eat that. You know what's ugly? You're inner critic. And that's exactly what's driving that voice. And guess what? Every single person has one. Yep, even the most confident, successful women and men you know have an inner critic. The problem is 61% of women report that their inner critic, the biggest factor eroding their confidence at work. It affects how women show up, the risks they take, and even how they handle everyday interactions.
[00:01:10] And the voice that's doing that, that's your inner critic. And it's been there for decades. We form it in childhood and it just continues working away at us throughout all of our adult life. It originally came about to protect us, but over time, that's no longer what it's doing. And whether you hear it loudly or it's just a subtle undercurrent in your thoughts, it's there. And when it's left unchecked, it can run your life. And I want to be clear that while the inner critic is something everyone experiences, imposter syndrome is different. Imposter syndrome affects anywhere up to about 82% of people at different times. And it makes you feel like you don't deserve to be somewhere, that you're going to be found out. And the language it uses is different. However, by tackling your inner critic, you can help your imposter syndrome as well. And when you learn how to spot the inner critic, manage it, and shift how you respond to it, your confidence levels change dramatically.
[00:02:11] Let's talk about owning your inner critic and let's be real for a second. I know and you know that you've been really mean to yourself at some point, and not in a ha, ha, that was silly kind of way. I mean, actually unkind. And I really hear people say quite often, oh, it's fine, it doesn't mean anything or it's okay. I don't take it serious seriously. Except that it's on autopilot and it's talking to you in a mean, rude way all of the time. And you would never dream of saying something like the things you say to yourself, to a best friend or a work colleague or someone else you love.
[00:02:48] Here's some of the ones that I've heard. Why did you say that in the meeting? You sounded stupid. Everyone else has it together. You're the only one struggling. You have no idea what you're doing. Why are you even trying? And that's just some of the kinder ones that I've heard. And I know what this is. I've been there. I've been leading teams for years. I've been taking on huge responsibilities, projects, CEO roles, and it's always there. Still, even now, when I launched this business, my Inner critic absolutely came out swinging, and it told me I wasn't ready. And every time I was learning something new and it went wrong. And trust me, lots has gone wrong as I've been starting this business, starting this podcast, building a website, setting up my own accounts. But that inner critic has been right there with the Are you kidding me? And my Inner Critic personal favorite is, come on, Stevo, you can do better. And it's so mean. There is no way that I would say that to someone else. And saying it out loud feels awful. I've got goosebumps just sharing that with you. I would be so proud of someone who was stepping up into their discomfort and learning something new. I would think they're incredibly brave. And yet here I am, beating myself up for not being perfect before, putting myself out there. It is not good. And luckily for me, I do know how to address and tackle it, and I can turn it on a dime. But that's because I've been practicing it for a long time. But the voice is still there, right? And this podcast is really about helping you to understand how to recognize it and how to release it really quickly. And I say own it because it's always going to be there. This inner critic, it's just that you learn to own it in what it says, how it shows up, and how you want to address it in the future. And I've been working with women for a long time now, long before I started my own coaching practice, to be able to do the same, because there's some small, repeatable steps that you can do to achieve that, and everything is new. At some point, that means that no One is going to expect perfection from you or me. And even when I'm doing these new things and you're doing new things, this inner critic is going to pop up. And you just want to have these small repeatable steps to address it. And so today we're going to deep dive into why our inner critics there and what the actual science is behind it. How to recognize your inner critic, even if you think you don't have 1. The three ways it shows up and how it's holding you back, and the step by step process for you to take back control. And even better, I've got a workbook for you. So if you're ready to do the work, and let's be honest, the work isn't exactly onerous. It's small, consistent behaviors. You can download that now and you'll find the link in the show notes. So why is the inner critic so loud? Your inner critic isn't there to ruin your day. It genuinely thinks it's protecting you. And from a positive psychology perspective, that critical voice evolved to keep us safe. Your brain does not know the difference between real danger and perceived danger. So tiger chasing you, real threat, a presentation where you might stumble, not a real threat, but your brain doesn't know the difference. And so your inner critic is right there ready to jump in and save you from failure. Rejection or embarrassment and belonging and self esteem are part of our fundamental needs. It's just that we don't have to be protected in the way this inner critic has evolved over time. Instead of helping you, it's keeping you stuck. It makes you avoid risks, hold yourself back, and question yourself at every turn.
[00:06:22] Here's where it gets even more damaging. It doesn't come just for you.
[00:06:27] Before we keep going on your inner critic and it criticizing you, I just want to cover off the three roles that your inner critic is playing. It's not just self doubt. And each one of these three has a different sort of impact. So obviously we've got criticizing yourself. And that's the one that we're talking about most today. And that's the one that says you should know better. You're not smart enough, talented enough, you always mess things up, whatever it might be. And if you think about it, how many times have you talked yourself out of an action or an opportunity, not because you weren't capable, but because you didn't think you were ready. And that voice thrives on perfectionism. It tells you unless you can guarantee success, you shouldn't even try. And even though you may not be A perfectionist. That's still what's happening on this autopilot. For some reason, we've got this weird evolutionary thing that says less than perfection is dangerous. And so whilst perfectionism might not show up in your everyday, it is showing up in your inner critic. And the damage this does is to erode your confidence. It keeps you from growing. It's the voice that we'll be focusing on today. But let's talk about the other two before we get into that. The second role it plays is criticizing others. And this one's really sneaky. So it's not just attacking you, but it's making you judge other people as well. And it might be judging someone that you think doesn't deserve their success or that you find super annoying or who's just making too big a deal about an issue in their life and you think they're overreacting.
[00:07:59] Perhaps you even see someone doing well, and instead of celebrating them, you find flaws. She only got that role because she's connected, and it feels like a protection. Maybe sometimes it even feels like boundaries, but it's actually harming your mental health. When we judge other people, we're creating distance and negativity in our lives, and it reinforces this idea that we're in competition rather than community.
[00:08:21] More importantly, it reflects our own insecurities. And so as leaders, it stops us from really listening to understand. And it puts us in judgment over others, blocking our empathy and our ability to relate to the emotion that someone else is experiencing.
[00:08:36] And so, really easily, the first step in this one is when you catch yourself judging someone, pause and ask, what's this really about? Is it about them? Or is it about something in yourself that needs attention and doesn't matter what your judgment is? It's their story and their life. So if that's how they want to show up and they want to live, let them do it, man.
[00:08:56] And the third way is criticizing situations. This is a voice that says, this is unfair. Things never work out for me. This is so and so's fault. Why does this always happen?
[00:09:09] It's that feeling of resentment and frustration and powerlessness. And when we're stuck in this mindset, we're relinquishing our power to others or to circumstances. And there's this great story from Chinese philosophy that illustrates this beautifully. It's the Chinese stallion fable, and it goes a little like this.
[00:09:28] One day, a farmer buys a stallion. His neighbors say, oh, this is wonderful. You'll be able to plow your field so much faster. The farmer says, Good or bad? Who's to say? The next day, the farmer's stallion runs away. His neighbors say, oh, no, what bad luck. But the farmer simply says, good or bad? Who's to say? The next day, the stallion returns with a herd of wild horses. Wow, what good luck. Say the neighbours. The farmer replies, good or bad? Who's to say?
[00:09:56] Then the farmer's son tries to tame one of the wild horses, falls and breaks his leg. Oh, how terrible. Say the neighbours. Surely you must agree. Now the farmer, good or bad? Who's to say?
[00:10:07] The next day war breaks out and all the young men are called into battle, except the farmer's son because of his injury. The neighbours say, surely now you can see how fortunate you are. And the farmer, he says, good or bad? Who's to say?
[00:10:24] And so the story goes on the point we judge situations too quickly, and what seems bad today might lead to something good tomorrow. And what seems good today might come with challenges in the future. And when we're criticizing these situations and jumping into judgment of whether they're good or bad, especially when we judge them as bad, we get trapped in victimhood. It's only when we step back and ask, what can I learn? Or how can I move forward? Or what role did I play in this? That we regain the power. And so that inner critic that is judging circumstances also has a place to play in here. However, for today, as I've said, I really want to focus on the one that's criticizing us. It is the inner critic and the voice that is doing the most harm and eroding our confidence.
[00:11:10] And so how do we conquer our inner critic? Step one is recognizing your inner critic. Your inner critic has been running in the background for so long that you won't even realize it's there. It's like a script on autopilot, constantly undermining you without your awareness. So let's change that. I want you to do an exercise to tune into your inner critic and take a second pause this recording and do it now. I want you to think about a time when you were feeling bad about yourself. And it could be when something didn't go the way you wanted it to. A great example is technology failing in a meeting or falling over in public, or trying something new and struggling with it. Or it might be when you compared yourself to someone else and felt less than, or perhaps even you ate something and you thought you shouldn't have, and you immediately felt guilt or shame or looked in the mirror and had a negative thought about yourself.
[00:12:01] Pick a situation that resonates the most for you.
[00:12:06] Now think about when you're in that moment. What did the voice say? What did you hear in your head? And really immerse into this moment of thinking about when you are feeling that discomfort or that shame or that less than feeling like you're learning something new and not doing it well enough. What did the voice say?
[00:12:31] And write it down.
[00:12:34] Because when you start to write these things down, you start to see the patterns. Think about, what was the tone?
[00:12:41] You know, is the tone harsh or dismissive? Sarcastic? Does it feel like an attack? Is it scolding or a disappointed sigh? And I often hear people say here, it doesn't have a tone of voice. And then they speak the words out loud. So I encourage you to say out loud now what the voice has said to you when you've been in that moment. And think about how it sounded and if you would speak to others like that. Now, who does that voice sound like?
[00:13:10] Is it your voice or does it echo from someone in your past, perhaps a parent or a teacher or a former boss? And that's not to say that these people ever said those things to you or are responsible for it. It's just that's the voice that your inner critic has picked. Now, what are the favourite catchphrases? What are the things that you hear it say over and over again?
[00:13:33] You're so dumb. You always mess up. You should have known better. Often our inner critic has a particular phrase that it likes to use the most.
[00:13:45] The inner critic feels like the truth because it's been there for so long, but it's just a voice and you don't have to let it run your life. And I know some of you will be thinking, but it's trying to protect me. And it does good things. What we're going to uncover is that actually it's not helping you. Step two, I want you to start building your awareness and celebrating when you catch it. So now that you know what the voice is and you can hear it and you know what it's saying to you, the next step is catching it in action.
[00:14:19] That's about noticing when it shows up. So the moment you catch that voice, I want you to pause and celebrate. And you're not celebrating what it's saying. So I don't want you to celebrate. Yay, I am dumb. No, no, please do not do that. That is not what this is about. It's about the success of catching and hearing your voice. So, a heck, yes. I see you. I see you. Inner critic. I've caught you. Ha, ha, ha ha. Whatever it's going to be for you, lean into a little celebration of the success of catching it. My pro tip for you is to start with keep a little note on your phone. Write down when does it show up and what triggered it and what did it say? So by taking just that little extra step, the more you build your awareness, the more powerful it is. Because once you see it, you're no longer just accepting its message, you're choosing how to respond to it. And why do we celebrate? Because of the power of celebration. Every time you catch her in a critic, it's a win. And so I like to do a little fist pump because that's who I am. You can do a yeah, high five yourself, give yourself a physical pat on the back, whatever works for you. That celebration starts to rewire your brain and it changes that negativity and releases it and puts you into a more positive space. Over time, that becomes really automatic so that you're familiar and you hear the voice, you celebrate it and you move on. However, when you start, you will definitely have a period where the gap between your inner voice speaking up and you catching it is quite large. The more you do it, the closer that gap will come, until eventually you hear it, recognise it, celebrate it, it move on instantly.
[00:15:57] Step three. This is the big ticket item you want to reframe with self compassion. Simply becoming aware of it, recognizing, catching and celebrating it will move you a long way forward. However, you can really lean into this and actually supercharge getting free from your inner critic by reframing your self compassion. Think about if a friend came to you and said whatever it is that your inner critic says to you. So they came to you and they said, I'm a failure, I've messed up, I'm not good enough.
[00:16:30] You certainly wouldn't jump on the gravy train and go, yeah, you are pretty crap, mate. You know, you would lean in and say, oh, my gosh, what is happening? You've tried something new. You're amazing. You know, I love that you're so brave in trying these things, whatever it is that you would say to a friend, and that's the place you want to be playing. Because why on earth would we speak to ourselves, a person we're supposed to love and we have to live with all day, every day, in a way that's so destructive. There's a few exercises that I'll go through here quickly to set you up so that you can start to create some space and do that. Reframe.
[00:17:13] My personal favorite is a deep breathing exercise because I just love a bit of meditation and a bit of good breath work.
[00:17:20] This one here is specifically to help you shift this dialogue. You want to breathe in compassion, so you want to imagine filling your lungs with kindness for yourself. And you can use a mantra with something like I am good enough or May I be well, may I be happy or I'm brave for trying. Whatever works for you. And take that breath in with that mantra for the count of five and then you want to release that out, breathing out the negativity and letting go of that harsh talk like smoke being exhaled.
[00:17:51] If that doesn't work for you and you're not a breather, and hopefully you are, but if you're not, pause and ask, what would I say to a friend or loved one in this situation?
[00:18:00] And then say that to yourself.
[00:18:03] Simply considering that different perspective can really shift you.
[00:18:09] The third one that I would say is give yourself some loving kindness physically. So that is give yourself a hug by wrapping your arms around yourself, or put a hand over your heart space, whatever it is for you that will give you some loving kindness through physical touch. Do that and then think about how you might reframe your inner critic. And you can think about it as how you respond to it in the moment or just more generally in the everyday. When it comes up, you can have this in your back pocket as your go to mantra. Instead of I'm not ready for this opportunity. It might be I'm learning as I go and that's enough or I'm proud of myself for trying. The thing with self compassion and compassion is it isn't about lying to yourself. It's about seeing yourself with fairness and kindness. And seeing yourself with fairness and kindness is proven to increase your motivation far more than berating yourself. In fact, Dr. Kristin Neff, who is the preeminent self compassion person in the world, has proved that self compassion reduces stress and anxiety, increases motivation resilience, and improves overall confidence. So you really want to be doing that reframe once you celebrate, enjoy that, and then go into this reframing or this self compassion to help you move past it. Step four. You want to take action anyway. Your inner critic really wants you to stay stuck. It wants you to not move forward. It wants you to not try anything new. It wants you to stay safe in your little box and never do anything. The very best way to shut it down is to act anyway, because then you have proof. When it says you're not ready, take one small step forward and celebrate. Recognize the progress, no matter how small it is. If it says you're not smart enough, write down three things that you do know and celebrate that foundation. If it says you're going to fail, ask yourself, what if I succeed? And use that as fuel for action.
[00:20:01] Every time you act despite your inner critic, you prove it wrong, do the thing, show up messy, and embrace your progress over perfection. And when you do celebrate it, shout it out loud. Tag me on Instagram or on LinkedIn. I will celebrate with you. I love seeing women doing fantastic things and so recognize any action you're taking, even imperfectly. It's growth and it's moving your confidence forward. My final thoughts? You're in charge, not your inner critic. And as we wrap up today, this is a reminder that the work doesn't stop here. You now have a choice. You can let the voice keep running the show, or you could take back control. One moment, one reframe, one action at a time. You are not your inner critic. You decide how much power it has, and with awareness, self compassion and action, you shift from doubt to confidence. If you're ready to go even deeper, don't forget there's a link to the free workbook in the show notes below. It's packed with exercises to help you rewire that inner critic for good. Because you deserve to own your ambition, femininity and power by leading, growing and taking up space without that voice holding you back. If this episode's hit home for you, please don't keep it to yourself. Share it with a woman who needs to hear it. Or a guy. Anyone who's struggling with self doubt. This might be exactly what they need. Subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. We're deep diving every fortnight into the real challenges that women in leadership are facing with confidence, ambition, clarity, all of the good stuff. And if you've enjoyed this, I'd love you to leave a review.
